Why Black Gay Relationships Do Last:
I ran across a fellow bloggers page that posed the question that almost seemed rhetorical. Fortunately, it didn't leave a bitter taste in my mouth because it seems to be the sentiment of many that I've spoken with in the last 10 years. Feel free to read his blog first,Why Gay Black Relationships Don't Last many of you may agree with his approach. A measure of me agrees with his frustration, but not completely his perspective.I've never condone perpetuating negativity especially based
on the relative samples of ones experiences. If YOU believe that relationships
don't work because of YOUR own experiences then you are already going into the
relationship defeated. Black Gay Relationships do work. I know because I'm in
one. I know because I have friends who are in mature and healthy relationships
lasting more than 20 years. When we labor over a problem as the whole, we
forget that we are oftentimes apart of the problem. There's nothing complex
about how you contribute to this dynamic which has nothing to do with being
Black or Gay. In the last 20 years, faltering relationships between people has
been encouraged more than strong relationships. This has been the norm for
quite some time. Reality shows are created based on the toxicity of relationships,
whether the parties involved is a significant other, sibling, friend or parent.
Millions of dollars are made from exposing unhealthy relationships. Today's
climate doesn't encourage, support or even reward healthy relationships. That
means YOU, WE are all apart of the problem.
The inverse of these items is looking at the issues from a positive
perspective. You might be single because you believe that Black Gay
relationships don't last. Here's how I relate to this narrow sample of the
dynamic of relationships. This is a friendly reply to your article: http://thejhsperspective.blogspot.com/2011/09/why-black-gay-relationships-dont-last.html
We Don’t
Believe In Dating Anymore
We might be afraid of or frown against
challenge. With the advent of any
technology, the human experience can be tested. Those who want to be in
relationship absolutely believe in dating they just don't know how. We tend to
compare how we live life with how past generations did before. The idea of
dating 50 years ago still resulted in couples struggling through an unhealthy
relationship. But because of the era, there was a dependency on one another to
insure that family didn't starve because it usually consisted of a one parent
or low income household which forced most couples to stick it out. Also, it was
quite taboo to end relationships or divorce. Not to mention, many of today's
adults didn't witness a healthy example of dating. Many of us are products of substance
abuse parents, single parent households, absentee fathers, ill equipped
parenting, etc. The most impressionable years of your life was tarnished
because the teacher was not prepared. This isn't about placing blame on the
effects of your child rearing. It's about understanding who you are and making
the necessary steps to be a better you.
It’s ALL
About You And Not US!
We should focus on Mutual respect. You should never have to give up anything
that brings you Joy just because you are in a relationship. If what you enjoy
doesn't disrespect or impedes the growth of your relationship, dimming your
light for anyone will only cause resentment down the line. There's nothing
wrong with keeping the focus on You as long as you understand that We is still
as important.
The Grass
Is Always Greener
Whatever you did to get him you need to continue
to keep him. Only a fool would think
that they are the only person their mate will ever admire. We are all humans,
very visual and innately reactive. Chemistry is released in your brain every
time you see anything that turns you on. This could be a new car, clothes, or a
hot body. A mature person appreciates that 15 seconds of happiness doesn't hold
a grain of sand to the joy of a growing healthy relationship. A mature person
never submits his will to fleeting desires. Focusing on what your mate is
capable of doing is a disservice to what your mate is currently doing. However,
if your mate is slacking in his duties (appearance, cleanliness,
responsibilities, attitude, desires, goals, etc) without any mention or
intentions to why, looking at the neighbors clean cut green abundant weed free
lush grass is predictably human nature. Communicate your ever changing needs to
him with patience and reciprocity.
Guys Want
Too Damn Much But Can’t Match Up
I'm not wrong for wanting what I want.
There's nothing more admirable then knowing that you assisted someone in reaching
their highest potential. Many in the world desire to attach themselves to people
who they think will challenge them and keep them accountable. Is it a fault to
desire that which you don't have? Creating a checklist of your perfect person
is just that – a checklist. We all know that the perfect person doesn't exist. We,
ourselves, always fall short of perfection. There are many people in
relationships whereby to others it may appear to be unequally yoked, but for
them they have an understanding that no one else has to understand. So realistically
desiring the things that you don't possess yourself in a mate can potentially
prove beneficial only if you can match with someone who presents a deficit in
the things that you currently possess. Where I might not have a car and my mate
does, I have extra money for gas while my mate doesn't. Finding an attainable and
realistic balance might be the challenge for many. But it's very possible.
You Don’t
Even Know Or Love Who YOU Are.
Every living soul should receive therapy. It's
taboo in the black community to seek mental wellness. We go to the doctor for
all ailments except for emotional balance. Many of us carry emotional wounds
that have never healed stemming as far back as our formative childhood. We
sojourn through our infected life making pit stops here and there while at the
same time picking at its scab or putting gauze over it but never seeking
complete healing. We tend to meet that which we subconsciously emote. Loving and
appreciated someone is so much effective when you love and appreciate yourself.
GET HELP EVERYONE.
The roles
and ideas of relationships brought from the past are archaic and obsolete. If
you apply any preceding generation's ideology of a relationship with today's
market, you will always be at a deficit. Many of us attach ourselves to these
masculine and feminine roles. Within this identification, there are specific
responsibilities that each person must acquire. If you are purposing the
masculine role, then you must take on the responsibility as the care taker,
thus the feminine role will assume the nurturing role. HOG WASH. These roles
don't even work in the heterosexual complexities.
The focus should be on aggression and submission. This is where the couple begin to identify each others strong and weak points. Taking the lead in certain aspects of life isn't a masculine or feminine characteristic, it's an aggressive or submissive characteristic. Once the two butt heads, renders the opportunity for discussion and communication lending to growth. Growth is needed much more than labels.
Many in our world feel that their extrinsic qualities outweigh their intrinsic qualities. There's a growing trend of people in general who feel that they can get whatever they want based on how they look. This is perpetuated immensely in our media across all spectrum (news, music, movies, etc.) We are always affected and effected by our society. Use what you got to get what you want is our societies mantra. If you know at any point when someone is using you who ever it is, at what point do you take the responsibility for allowing the ill treatment.
The power of suggestion is contrastingly different then the power of change. You can make suggestions about living and life but ultimately it is always up to the individual to make that change. In conclusion, relationship can prove to be very challenging. With hard work, mature open communication and perseverance, it is quite possible to maintain a loving and healthy relationship regardless of your persuasion. The challenge is changing your paradigm. If you don't believe that you can, you will always meet other people who don't believe it's possible as well. Changing your mind will change your outcome. GodSpeed.
The focus should be on aggression and submission. This is where the couple begin to identify each others strong and weak points. Taking the lead in certain aspects of life isn't a masculine or feminine characteristic, it's an aggressive or submissive characteristic. Once the two butt heads, renders the opportunity for discussion and communication lending to growth. Growth is needed much more than labels.
Many in our world feel that their extrinsic qualities outweigh their intrinsic qualities. There's a growing trend of people in general who feel that they can get whatever they want based on how they look. This is perpetuated immensely in our media across all spectrum (news, music, movies, etc.) We are always affected and effected by our society. Use what you got to get what you want is our societies mantra. If you know at any point when someone is using you who ever it is, at what point do you take the responsibility for allowing the ill treatment.
The power of suggestion is contrastingly different then the power of change. You can make suggestions about living and life but ultimately it is always up to the individual to make that change. In conclusion, relationship can prove to be very challenging. With hard work, mature open communication and perseverance, it is quite possible to maintain a loving and healthy relationship regardless of your persuasion. The challenge is changing your paradigm. If you don't believe that you can, you will always meet other people who don't believe it's possible as well. Changing your mind will change your outcome. GodSpeed.
